Flat Circle

25 years wasted. 25 years of constant mistakes and regrets. 25 years of strife and grief at every corner. 25 years of jealousy and hatred and bitterness. 25 fucking years.

Flavor Of The Month

     Been up since four in the morning feeling like I'm stuck in some weird limbo. Nothing makes sense anymore, everything has lost all meaning to me. I'm existing for the sake of existing, no reason, no drive, no motivation. Three days until I turn 25, still can't believe I made it this far... doesn't really even feel like I made it anywhere at all though. Still stuck in my own mental prison every waking moment of my life, still a pathetic slave to my volatile emotions. Brief moments of sweet serenity seem to dissipate just as soon as they come, never being able to fully take in it's taste before the harsh, bitter reality sets on my tongue. I'm still kicking and fucking up every bit of the way and as long as I'm still breathing that's just how I see things being for the indefinite future. Oh well, lets ride out the rest of this year and see how shitty next year can get.

Proust's Madeleine

    The vodka on her breath brings me back to those days long ago. The yelling, the tears, the pain, the fear. I'm still that young boy cowering in a corner, I'll always be that young boy. And I'll always accept the coming apology afterwards. Pluck out my eyes, my organs, my bones, stick me in a meat grinder and hug the mushy bloody mess that you left behind... I'll still forgive you, and I'll still love you... 

Broken record

     Everything I do always feels like a cop out. My life as an entirety just feels like a sequence of cop outs, never facing up to the harsh reality of things and always finding ways to avoid it all. Running and running as far as my legs will take me until the inevitable catches up to me. I just want to make her happy, and I know she just wants me to be happy, and for me to be happy I need to work out all my shit and get myself stable, but it still doesn't make me feel any less guilty. I sound like a broken record talking about my guilt, lord knows she's heard about it one too many times at this point. Not much else I can do about it really, just need to keep navigating this maze until I find my way out of it. 

Will I ever get out?

Mickey's

     Been a minute since I wrote a serious post here but I'm still doing the same as ever. Been nursing a cold for the past three days already and it's been a fucking nightmare. Not to mention I got her sick too and now I feel incredibly guilty about it all. I should've recognized it was a cold sooner and not just allergies. Oh well, what can you do, I've been doing my best to help her out in anyway I can today. Not like it makes up for getting her sick and putting her in so much pain but it's the least I could do. Not like I wouldn't be on my hands and knees for her regardless... 

    I went to pick up some cough drops and a slushie for her earlier today, grabbed myself a tallboy of Mickey's while I was out too. Haven't had malt liquor in a long while, brings me back to those sunny San Diego mornings sipping on the breakfast of champions. I'm definitely a lot healthier nowadays in that regard but man, those were some carefree days for sure. 

 i jacked off like 6 times today

Edit: why did this get 11 views

im so tired, i don't want a job, japanese vrchat hoes rule my twitter timeline 

A Month In Review

November came and went as quickly as the stupid smile from my face. 

Regardless, time marches on. You either stay in line or you fall behind, and I really have no room for stumbling at this point anymore. November was a shitshow for sure, but it's a new month now, the last month to be exact. One more shot at making things right before the year is up. Last chance for redemption. I'm not looking forward to it at all but c'est la vie.