im such a mess

 i love venting here because i know for a fact she'll never bother to read any of it lol

Spirits

 You're a ghost haunting every fiber of my being. You cloud my mind 24/7, every memory we've ever had, good or bad. I spend every waking moment of my life trying to distract myself from you, trying to move on with this pathetic presentation of a life that I lead, yet nothing I do can remedy this pestilence. I'm hooked on the past like flies to rotting meat, and that's all our past is now, putrid rotting flesh. Don't get me wrong, I know I deserve your scorn, I doubt I'm even the faintest thought in your mind anymore, and I'm glad that you can move on from it all, I'm glad that you function better without me... So why can't I do the same.

Living the dream

    It's been about five months since I left Seattle, five months of absolutely nothing of any significance. All my old IRL friends are busy with their own lives and I'm here in this pathetic limbo of an existence. I've managed to get one good painting produced and nothing else since, currently trying to push another one out but every time I look at it I want to set it on fire and then kill myself. I think I'm starting to lose weight at least, been drinking less, eating less. Maybe I'll feel better about my relationship woes if I'm not a hulking lard ass like I've been the past four years. Keto is such a pain, I miss eating bread and pasta and sugary sweets. It's worth it though, I will be skinny again...

    Gonna get fucked up on white claws tomorrow, low carbs babyyyy.

 jacked off five times this morning already i need to kill myself for real dawg