Something in me wants to cry, but the tears won't flow.

I feel disgusting, putrid, rotten.

Memories

     I don't know why, but I always get these flashbacks to 2014. They aren't bad flashbacks, just a glimpse in the past really. I remember sitting at my desktop late at night watching Space Dandy on Adult Swim, It was a Friday night if I recall. I remember really getting into mushroom pizza at the time, so my father ordered my brother and I some pizza hut. I remember playing fallout 2, eating pizza, watching TV, just existing in the moment. I think I was really coming into my own at that time, that summer. At least the basis of what I am now, for better or for worse. 

Regardless, I look back on it fondly.

It was a nice summer.

 cake by the ocean by DNCE is an all time banger.

Post-Mortem

 I've been trying hard to not let that twinge of the past eat at me, and for the most part I've been successful. I've been making strides towards the future, towards myself, towards a new life... yet it lingers.

Strangers In The Night

     May showers bring may flowers. May showers also bring on more of the sweet, sweet melancholy I continue to writhe and drown in. Jobless, running out of money, I've really fallen off the beaten path haven't I? It's been nice lazing around certainly, I really had forgotten just how great it was to be a lay about. That being said, I need to make a quick turn around or I'm screwed. Not like I haven't dug myself out of a billion holes in the past but alas. Six more months to go, six more months to make a decision. Should I stay or should I go? I don't know, I don't think I'll ever know really. I either carve out my niche here or rot back home in Texas, and at this point the latter sounds so, so tempting. The games changed for good, I'm all I have really.

I regret everything.

Samsara

 Seems like I always know what I want until I have it, funny how constant that is in my life. I guess the real appeal of anything is the desire rather than the outcome. The desire gives reason for being y'know, something to strive for, but as soon as that goal is obtained suddenly there's nothing. And so you spend every hour of your life thinking if it was all even worth it, the sweet outer coating wears off and leaves you with nothing but a sour taste in your mouth. You try and you try and you try to keep it in but you know you aren't happy, and you start to think that you won't ever be happy, and you start to think "What else could I want instead?" 

And so the cycle begins again.