Strangers In The Night

     May showers bring may flowers. May showers also bring on more of the sweet, sweet melancholy I continue to writhe and drown in. Jobless, running out of money, I've really fallen off the beaten path haven't I? It's been nice lazing around certainly, I really had forgotten just how great it was to be a lay about. That being said, I need to make a quick turn around or I'm screwed. Not like I haven't dug myself out of a billion holes in the past but alas. Six more months to go, six more months to make a decision. Should I stay or should I go? I don't know, I don't think I'll ever know really. I either carve out my niche here or rot back home in Texas, and at this point the latter sounds so, so tempting. The games changed for good, I'm all I have really.

I regret everything.

Samsara

 Seems like I always know what I want until I have it, funny how constant that is in my life. I guess the real appeal of anything is the desire rather than the outcome. The desire gives reason for being y'know, something to strive for, but as soon as that goal is obtained suddenly there's nothing. And so you spend every hour of your life thinking if it was all even worth it, the sweet outer coating wears off and leaves you with nothing but a sour taste in your mouth. You try and you try and you try to keep it in but you know you aren't happy, and you start to think that you won't ever be happy, and you start to think "What else could I want instead?" 

And so the cycle begins again.

Working for the weekend

 

On Hate

 It's so easy to hate, and so hard to forgive. So easy to just let that wound bleed and fester, and even after so much time has passed all you're left with is a terrible scar, a reminder of your pain, a reminder of your suffering. And they never seem to fade either, you just find ways to hide them, try and forget they're there. But you'll never forget, because at the end of the day it's a part of you now. You'll carry these scars for the rest of your life, every wrong doing done towards you engraved upon your once innocent skin.

 And so it's easy to hate, and so hard to forgive. 

Broken but for the better.

    I've spent the last few months juggling heartbreak with a dead end job and numerous bills. I like to think I'm in a good spot now all things considered, got a better job with better working conditions, full forty hours a week, finally making some disposable income, and yet the past continues to wrap it's cold hands tightly around my neck. I continue to grow more jaded and weary each passing day. I know I only have the future to look forward too but the "what if's" burrow into my flesh like disgusting insects giving birth to resentment and bitterness. I'm fighting, I really am, even if I don't know what I'm fighting for exactly. I wanna say happiness, but it's hard to imagine happiness as anything but a sweet fleeting experience anymore. I don't think I'll ever truly be happy at the very core of things, I was born to struggle. But sometimes the struggle makes the cake taste sweeter, so I guess that's what I'm fighting for. 

 here's to a new frontier.

Flat Circle

25 years wasted. 25 years of constant mistakes and regrets. 25 years of strife and grief at every corner. 25 years of jealousy and hatred and bitterness. 25 fucking years.