if i'd have any last words it'd be "it wasn't intentional but i'm happy anyways"

 this is just a premonition for the future, but if im ever in a situation where i'm unable to decide anything for myself, just fucking kill me dawg PLEASE.

 happy fucking thanksgiving lol

i have a beautiful woman who loves me sleeping on call with me right now as i sit here drinking white claws thinking about everything that lead me to this point. maybe theres nothing to think about really, maybe none of it really matters in the grand scheme of things despite it meaning everything, kind of like judas's betrayal of jesus. people want to chastise judas for what he did, but the wheels of motion were set from the start, judas had to betray jesus for the prophecy to be fulfilled. 

I think as long as I continue to keep her within my realm of existence I'm just gonna continue to be absolutely fucking miserable. So close yet so far away, every time I notice her it's like I'm being mocked heavily by the universe. I wish I could just let go, I wish I could just forget, I wish I could just exist without her constantly on my fucking mind. I wish I had the strength to just block her on everything, a complete reset, forget everything that happened between us and move on.

 im such a mess

 i love venting here because i know for a fact she'll never bother to read any of it lol