i have a beautiful woman who loves me sleeping on call with me right now as i sit here drinking white claws thinking about everything that lead me to this point. maybe theres nothing to think about really, maybe none of it really matters in the grand scheme of things despite it meaning everything, kind of like judas's betrayal of jesus. people want to chastise judas for what he did, but the wheels of motion were set from the start, judas had to betray jesus for the prophecy to be fulfilled. 

I think as long as I continue to keep her within my realm of existence I'm just gonna continue to be absolutely fucking miserable. So close yet so far away, every time I notice her it's like I'm being mocked heavily by the universe. I wish I could just let go, I wish I could just forget, I wish I could just exist without her constantly on my fucking mind. I wish I had the strength to just block her on everything, a complete reset, forget everything that happened between us and move on.

 im such a mess

 i love venting here because i know for a fact she'll never bother to read any of it lol

Living the dream

    It's been about five months since I left Seattle, five months of absolutely nothing of any significance. All my old IRL friends are busy with their own lives and I'm here in this pathetic limbo of an existence. I've managed to get one good painting produced and nothing else since, currently trying to push another one out but every time I look at it I want to set it on fire and then kill myself. I think I'm starting to lose weight at least, been drinking less, eating less. Maybe I'll feel better about my relationship woes if I'm not a hulking lard ass like I've been the past four years. Keto is such a pain, I miss eating bread and pasta and sugary sweets. It's worth it though, I will be skinny again...

    Gonna get fucked up on white claws tomorrow, low carbs babyyyy.

 jacked off five times this morning already i need to kill myself for real dawg

 at least it flows tragically both ways, i thought i was alone in this misery.