Something in me wants to cry, but the tears won't flow.

I feel disgusting, putrid, rotten.

You'll probably never read this, and that's ok.

    I can only move on so much, but there's always those threads that can never be severed no matter how hard I want to. Times change, people change, but some feelings never change. The cold wind that flows through the hollow pits of my dead, empty heart continue to fan that small flame I had for you. Maybe it doesn't burn as bright as it used to, but nevertheless it burns. Despite all the pain and suffering that we've caused each other, it doesn't even register to me anymore. I look back and all I see were those beautiful moments shared together, sitting together at the park on new years watching the fireworks, riding bikes together in the pale moonlight, ordering take out and watching stupid movies together. It's memories like those that keep those threads firm and taut, and as much as I can't go back and correct my numerous mistakes, neither can I go back and stop those wonderful things from happening.

We've hurt each other, and we'll probably never go back to the way things were, and I can accept that.

But you'll always be the spark that keeps me from freezing to death

And I'll never regret what we had.

Memories

     I don't know why, but I always get these flashbacks to 2014. They aren't bad flashbacks, just a glimpse in the past really. I remember sitting at my desktop late at night watching Space Dandy on Adult Swim, It was a Friday night if I recall. I remember really getting into mushroom pizza at the time, so my father ordered my brother and I some pizza hut. I remember playing fallout 2, eating pizza, watching TV, just existing in the moment. I think I was really coming into my own at that time, that summer. At least the basis of what I am now, for better or for worse. 

Regardless, I look back on it fondly.

It was a nice summer.

 cake by the ocean by DNCE is an all time banger.

Post-Mortem

 I've been trying hard to not let that twinge of the past eat at me, and for the most part I've been successful. I've been making strides towards the future, towards myself, towards a new life... yet it lingers.

Strangers In The Night

     May showers bring may flowers. May showers also bring on more of the sweet, sweet melancholy I continue to writhe and drown in. Jobless, running out of money, I've really fallen off the beaten path haven't I? It's been nice lazing around certainly, I really had forgotten just how great it was to be a lay about. That being said, I need to make a quick turn around or I'm screwed. Not like I haven't dug myself out of a billion holes in the past but alas. Six more months to go, six more months to make a decision. Should I stay or should I go? I don't know, I don't think I'll ever know really. I either carve out my niche here or rot back home in Texas, and at this point the latter sounds so, so tempting. The games changed for good, I'm all I have really.

I regret everything.