im drunk (of course)

    I really don't believe I'm good for people. It's not good for me, or anyone else for me to be around anyone. Maybe I'm blaming myself too much, I don't know, all I know is that eventually I become a drag on everyone, or everyone becomes a drag on me. And I own up entirely to both faults, It's my fucking fault that I get so attached or crave so much attention or acceptance, I'm a whore for it all I won't ever deny this. And it's my fault that I become so detached because these superficial needs aren't met, and it's my fault that I blame everyone for my own misery when I'm the one who digs my own grave every time. I'm not trying to sympathy bait anything here, I literally dig my own grave every time. 

EVERY TIME!!!

    I feel very much like a cat in the sense that when I'm ready to die, I don't want any fanfare or drama, I'd just like to wander off and face it myself. 

state of the union

     Wow it's been a hot minute since I've done a blog post longer than a sentence. Things have been more or less the same, falling into the same habits, routines, issues, etc. I can't really recall the last time I felt like I did something meaningful y'know, it's hard to remember a time where I felt like I wanted to wake up in the morning, excited for the next day. I do know that I have been putting in some sort of effort at the very least, what with the website and all, but that brings a whole 'nother issue of feeling like I'm wasting time if I'm not working on it. Regardless, I'm getting somewhere with it, if only I could get myself to make a new painting. These posts feel so redundant haha, when was the last time I really said anything different? I'll keep whining here anyways, at least until something changes. It's a 50/50 chance on me completely ignoring the blog or actually putting something hopeful down here. 

    I'm a dumb chud.

     I wonder how they'll see me in a casket, i wonder how they'll treat me. I wonder what they'll say, what they'll recollect, what they'll think about.